Here's my end-game update because I don't know what else to do: I decided to start from scratch and follow the directions given here:
First thing I checked was my hardware since that's the first thing it said:
Boom, boom, and boom. Check:
-http://www.newegg.com/Product/Product.aspx?Item=N82E16814150605 (2 of these)
The option still wasn't open in AMD VECC. So I "made sure all required external cables are connected to the graphics". Check.
I "checked the motherboard manual for additon AMD Crossfire related BIOS settings". There are no BIOS settings specific to this Mobo. Only the standard Plug N' Play set up of GPU driver uninstallation, GPU installation, GPU driver re installation, and enabling crossfire via CCC(AMD VECC). And this obviously isn't the case... so check.
I referred to this to properly uninstall all GPU drivers:
I did it word for word. Once that was done, I began following these steps for proper installation of drivers and CCC(AMD VECC... seriously people... just call everything a single thing. Not multiple names. RENAME IT PLEASE AMD!!!) :
I reach the part of it telling me I need to have SP1. So this dug up an old and buried problem with my OS. I originally couldnt download SP1 for my x64 Win 7 OS when I got it a year ago due to a bug of windows updater not being able to find the proper files... So last night, I went on a magical 7 hours journey with no sleep troubleshooting the hell out of it. After all that hardwork, I finally got it to work and I now have SP1 on my computer. I originally didn't care about it a year ago bcause it's never gotten in the way or caused a problem since. I was able to play my games and thats all I cared about.
I resumed with the instructions redownloading "AMD VECC". Rebooted to update. I then installed "AMD Catalyst Application Profiles". Rebooted to update. I then installed "Latest Beta Driver". Rebooted to update. Between each one of the installations, I checked AMD VECC to see if the option had yet to make itself available.
So here I am. Everything is done. Everything is in proper order. .netframework 4.5 thingy is installed. I don't know what else to do anymore. The Crossfire option still isn't available to me... WTF?